Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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