My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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