You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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