what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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