Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
