She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
