The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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