I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
