I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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