You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
