My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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