I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
