I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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