I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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