Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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