Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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