Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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