yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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