the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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