i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
