Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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