3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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