There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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