Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
