remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
