i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
