I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
