Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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