from now on my penis is your penis
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She told me I should be a condom model.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
