The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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