I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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