just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
