I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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