I would go down on you faster than GM stock
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
