Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
