ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
