If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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