Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
