i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
