my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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