i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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