Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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