shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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