you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
