you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
