I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
