yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
