imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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