you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
