I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
