You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
